IT'S NEVER JUST ONE HABIT...

“Relax your left arm,” one of my first tango teachers used to tell me constantly.
And she was right. I was holding so much unnecessary tension in my left arm and shoulder that my partners must have felt more like they were arm-wrestling instead of dancing with me.

At the time, I was scrambling to finish grad school, dealing with a hilariously bad (and occasionally dangerous) living situation, and simply worrying too much about trivial matters. All that must have had something to do with my tense shoulders and arms during class.

Our teachers can point out what we’re doing wrong and give advice to address the immediate technical problem(s). But permanent, long term solutions to our bad dance habits require change that needs to be implemented off the dance floor.

I won't bore you with my life story, but I noticed my arms fully relaxing only after I completely gave up corporate life to become an entrepreneur. Although things aren't 100% perfect, I’ve learned to stop worrying about the unimportant things that used to bug me, and am much happier overall.  

Of course, I’m not advising we all do something as drastic as quit our day jobs to ride off somewhere for the sheer fun of it... just so we can become better dancers. However, just being told to “relax your arm” won’t not be enough, either.

Is there anything happening off the dance floor that’s stressing you out? And is it worth getting worked up over to the point where it’s holding back your tango? I certainly don’t want to trivialize your problems or presume to know what they are, but I’m betting there are at least a few things worth letting go of. And when you figure that out, life, including your dancing, improves.

BEST OUTFITS (JUST KIDDING. NO, THEY'RE NOT)

Best outfits for guys!

Just kidding.

Unless it's Halloween, only wear these to the next milonga at your own risk...

YOUR DANCING IS NOT (AND SHOULDN'T BE) FOR EVERYONE

Not everybody is going to enjoy the same movies that you love. When I was a kid, just about everyone I knew RAVED about the movie E.T: the Extra Terrestrial. My friends at school, their parents, my teachers, and even random people at the mall told me how great it was and that I absolutely had to see it. So, I did.

I hated it.

And so did my brother and mom (I think it was the only time in our lives when we actually agreed on anything). 

As I got older, I sat through it a few more times just to give it a chance...and I still don’t like it (even after seeing the deleted scene of Harrison Ford's cameo). Nothing personal against Steven Spielberg, and I even respect the movie for what it is. But personally, it just doesn’t do it for me. If you loved the movie, that’s cool. I have no beef with that.

Now think of your own dancing. Your personality, body type, and preference for certain steps are all major factors that shape the way you dance. And the more experienced you become, the more you might find yourself developing a unique “signature” in your dancing.

And like a widely released film, you’ll find that not everyone will enjoy your dancing style. It can be hard not to take personally, but it's a possible sign that you're growing as a dancer (so long as the vast majority of people don’t hate dancing with you). 

Although it's noble to try, you can’t please everyone, right? 

And neither can your partner, whoever he/she happens to be during the current tanda. It should be no surprise that everyone dances a little differently. You’ll connect with some right away, and some will take a few tangos to get used to. 

Pay attention to your differences - sometimes they'll only be minor, sometimes amusing, and other times they'll be interesting. And who knows? You might just learn something useful. And of course, there will be those few dancers that you'll want to avoid, like E.T (seriously, you people liked that movie?)

CREATIVE DESTRUCTION

If we take a private lesson or a workshop and feel really great because we got something out of it, that’s a good sign.

But suppose we take a private lesson or workshop... and come to the horrible realization that we don’t know a fraction of what we thought we knew. We once considered ourselves experienced dancers, but now wonder if we’ve even been walking correctly this whole time. Leaving the studio in a mild state of shock, we feel as though our egos have been flattened by a cement truck. We’re not sure if we want to show our faces at a milonga ever again, and then we scramble to delete all previous videos of us dancing that we once proudly uploaded to Youtube or Facebook. If we leave a lesson or workshop feeling like that, it’s even better.

A better learning experience isn't always a fun one. In fact, it's often painful. But if we cut through the fog of pride and ego for the sake of doing things right, the long-term payoff will be huge.

SOMETIMES IT'LL BE BAD

You suddenly realize that nothing's working. You’re not feeling sick or suffering from vertigo. Yet, on this particular day, your dancing abilities at the milonga or class are off. Way off. You feel about as graceful as a cow on rollerskates and you feel like your partner will lose patience at any moment. Even some of the basic stuff that you thought was second nature by now requires every ounce of concentration to get right.

It's embarrassing, and maybe even a little scary.

Before you consider crying, jumping out the window, quitting, doubting your sanity, or any combination thereof, realize that we all have moments when our dancing is off. Sometimes there’s a logical reason for it (stressful day, fatigue, hunger, public drunkenness, etc), but on many occasions there simply isn’t. It happens to everyone, and it's nothing to be alarmed about.

Like a bad mood, it'll pass and your dancing will be back to normal the next time. No alcohol necessary.

Okay, maybe a little.

THIS MOMENT WILL COUNT BECAUSE...

If you’re leading, there’s no need to squeeze every step you know into a two and-a-half minute tango. It’s also unnecessary to keep a running, mental tally of all the figures you do "correctly." Nobody’s keeping score. There’s no point in rushing since you're moving in a circle without a finish line.

If you’re following, there’s no purpose in trying to predict what your partner will do five steps from now. If he/she is paying attention to the music, the choreography will likely be emotional and spontaneous. Not rational. Anticipate nothing. Savor every step as you would enjoy every sip of your favorite wine.

Craft and complete every figure before moving on to the next. Focus your energy on the present - make each moment meaningful. And the future, however many steps from now, will take care of itself.

I'M GOOD, BUT...

You feel like you're getting better at tango. You’ve been receiving compliments, and you’ve ventured out to other places/cities to dance. But part of you can’t help but notice that so many other dancers are better at this than you. We feel anxiety creeping in. And maybe there's guilt, too, for comparing ourselves when we know we shouldn't be. Weren't we here to have fun?
Here’s the reality of the situation: No matter how good you become at tango, there will always be someone better. Someone more talented. Someone more experienced. Someone thinner. Someone better-looking. Someone taller. Someone shorter. Someone with bigger muscles. Someone with hotter shoes. Someone with more hair (or less). Gee, thanks Joe. With all the stuff going on in our lives, do we really need more reasons to feel insecure? No, of course not. That being said, we’re also not here to knock others off the imaginary pedestals we’ve created in our heads, because that would be a colossal waste of time as well.
Now, if you have to be better than someone, be a better dancer than you were last week. Is there something you did on the dance floor last Saturday that you couldn’t do as well the previous weekend? If so, then you’ve gotten a little better. And next week? Go for the same thing. Do what you need to do so that in seven days, you’ll be a better dancer than you are right now. And when you accomplish that, do it again the following week. Every week.
Even if it's only a small improvement, it still matters. There’s no limit to how good you can be when your personal record becomes the only competition you're interested in beating.

EVENTUALLY AND WITHOUT WARNING, IT WILL MAKE SENSE

Just by going online, I love how I can find a new sushi recipe in a matter of minutes. Without a gym membership, I can access YouTube and easily discover new workout routines using only the chin-up bar in my apartment. And YouTube, or some other site, will probably give me quick answers on how to treat injuries should I screw up said routines.

Quick, free, and easy access to information allows us to save time on other tasks: booking plane tickets, paying bills, viewing our bank balances, checking the weather forecast, and updating a website. We can do all those things from a single computer (or tablet, or smart phone) in the time it takes your microwave oven to finish cooking a frozen pizza. It's amazing.

As nice as it is to be able to have more efficiency and productivity than ever before, being successful in some areas in life still require actual human contact...and time. For example, some of the core elements of learning tango haven't changed in over a century. These include learning from teachers and practicing with partners.

Obviously, right?

Now consider this: Ever find yourself getting impatient when the website you're looking for takes 3 instead of 0.016 seconds to load? I admit I sometimes do. And are you tempted to fly into a rage when your Facebook account goes down due to scheduled maintenance? Those fifteen minutes when you can’t check and see if anyone’s “liked” your latest status update feel like a hellish eternity. That mindset, which we've become accustomed to in our fast-paced lives, might also be affecting our attitudes towards learning tango.

In some ways, the perfectionism and desire to do things correctly (RIGHT NOW!) can be positive with respect to motivation. But the big downside is that we often give ourselves an unrealistic time-frame in which to become competent dancers. And we start doubting ourselves, or worse, giving up, when we fail to meet our own unrealistic expectations.

A six-week class series focusing on ganchos and sacadas, for example, will give you a good introduction to those figures. An intensive workshop on the same steps with a world renown teacher can definitely improve your dancing. But it will take more than just six weeks of classes or a great workshop to become proficient at ganchos, sacadas or any other figure. You have to take it upon yourself to practice, practice, practice.

Again, this seems obvious. Now consider this:  

You probably won't be great at doing the steps you learned in a class or workshop right away. In many cases, it'll take weeks, or even months of practice and repetition, before you start to get it. An “I MUST DO IT CORRECTLY RIGHT THIS INSTANT” mentality, which might be fine at our day jobs, is fundamentally incompatible with tango. In all honesty, if you don't feel like tearing your hair out or punching a hole in the wall at some point while working on a particular figure, then you're doing something wrong.

But there will come a moment when something in your brain clicks. You'll finally understand what your instructor was talking about, even if it was half a year ago (or more). You will, in fact, figure out that step...eventually. And when you do, that moment is priceless.

It happens without warning, and at any time. It'll make you feel as though you can see the world a little more clearly, and will give you a sense of accomplishment that electronic instant gratification can't possibly provide.

THIS IS NOT YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Most of us wouldn’t behave at the office the same way we would at a rock concert. If you do, you must either be a terrible employee or have an awesome job (or both). Along those same lines, I'm also sure there are things in your past that you wouldn't dream of bringing up during a job interview, or first date.

In other words, it's no surprise that we present only certain sides of ourselves given the specific circumstances or environment we're in.

In tango, however, all sides of your personality are out in the open - there's no concealing them. If your partner's paying attention, he/she can get a sense of who you are in a way that verbal communication cannot easily reveal. Your Facebook profiles, resumés, CVs, recommendation letters, or Pinterest accounts are there to put forth the best “image” of you, and to filter out the bits that you don’t want publicized.

While in close embrace, you're not in control of how others perceive you.

There's no pretending. Sounds scary, right?

But in terms of tango, this is what freedom feels like.
And you'll never experience freedom quite like this anywhere else. This is why so many people, including myself, find tango so appealing.

It's not a “comfort zone” where you go to hide. It's where you go when you're tired of hiding.

BE AFRAID TO FAIL...THEN GO DO IT ANYWAY

It was a Friday night in lower Manhattan. I was at a small Greek diner with Chuck, a guy I knew from work. Earlier that day, to my surprise, I discovered that he liked tango dancing. And when I told him I had started taking lessons, he suggested I attend a milonga that he was going to later that night. I said I would, not thinking much of it at first.

At the end of the work day, we headed to the 33rd Street subway station and boarded the southbound 6-Train to Union Square. At about that time, the fear began sinking in. I was going tango dancing in public for the first time!

At the diner, Chuck made small-talk about his life, his kids, and his other hobbies. But it was hard to hear him over the sound of my own pulse pounding in my ears. Anticipating all that was about to happen in less than an hour, I realized I hadn't been so scared since the time I got lost in a foreign country. And even though I was hungry, I didn't feel much like eating.

After force-feeding myself a Greek salad, gyro, and plate of fries, I followed Chuck to the milonga.

It was at a French restaurant called La Belle Époque, which was one of the more popular tango venues in NYC at the time. Today, unfortunately, the restaurant is no longer there.

Upon entering, I was pretty stunned. The space was beautiful, and I immediately fell in love with the décor. This was a far cry from the simple, rectangular-shaped studio where I took group lessons on Thursday evenings.

After the short beginner lesson, the milonga began. Throngs of people began showing up. The music was loud, people were happily drinking wine, and the place got crowded.

As a novice, my perception was that everyone seemed so serious and professional. Standing at the edge of the dance floor was like watching a sporting event, such as basketball or football, up close from the sidelines. I had never seen anything like it before! And Chuck was encouraging me to go in there...to join them! The only reason I didn't look for a table to hide under was because they were all occupied.

Then, Chuck was kind enough to introduce me to one of his friends. She was a nice lady whose name I’d forgotten the moment she introduced herself. When I set foot on the tiled dance space with her, my already-elevated heart rate somehow skyrocketed even higher. I couldn't have been more scared if I were about to participate in a rodeo for the first time. (Somehow, I still remember the song that was playing - it was El Choclo)

Needless to say, I did not feel ready for this.

Anyway, my first attempt at social dancing was, without a doubt, an unmitigated disaster. Here's an honest evaluation of my first tango attempt in public (no exaggeration):

Staying in my lane in the line of dance? FAIL

Actually following the line of dance? FAIL

Number of times I successfully led the basic cross? 0

Avoided bumping into people? FAIL

Avoided stepping on partner's foot? PASS (barely)

Finished the entire tanda? FAIL

So basically, I did almost EVERYTHING my tango instructor warned me and my class NOT to do. Fortunately, I had a very understanding partner with a good, possibly amazing, sense of humor. Either that or she was half baked and didn't care (we were, after all, in the East Village). Although embarrassing, I had to admit the experience was also exhilarating. And to this day, more than a decade later, I don't regret having gone out there, trying my best...and completely f*cking up anyway.

I know a lot of you tango students are thinking of going to your first milonga or práctica to try out the steps we've been learning. But all too often, we talk ourselves out of it with the promise to go only when "we feel ready."

The truth is, we'll never feel "ready" enough. Disciplining ourselves to go to classes is great, and certainly important. But trying out what we've learned at an actual social setting is the main purpose of taking those tango lessons.

In the relative safety of the classroom, the figures and techniques you work on are akin to building a set of wings. The only way to know if they're any good is if you find a high place from which to jump off.

You might fly.

Or like me on that Friday night, you might crash.

If you do crash, you'll quickly figure out what you need to improve for next time. You'll survive. I got that "crash" out of the way relatively early (although sometimes I wish I'd experienced it a little sooner). And after that, little by little, things got better. So don't wait until you're "ready." Be afraid to fail...and go dance anyway, because much of the valuable lessons you learn in tango happen before you're "ready."

CLASSIC vs ALTERNATIVE TANGO (explained by seals)

STEPPING ON YOUR OWN PANTS

I own a few pairs of pants and jeans that are good for dancing tango. They're not flashy or unusual, in case you were wondering. They're simply comfortable. The only drawback is that they're just a tad too long (I'm in between sizes). This isn't a huge problem, but every once in a while, either my partner or I myself will step on the excess section of pants and stumble. This is funny to everyone but me.

To remedy this, I just readjust the way I lead certain steps and am extra careful about what I'm doing. Of course, one of these days I'll have to physically cut the pants a little shorter. It won't win me any fashion points but it's better than falling.

Unfortunately, not all of our tango issues can be easily (or legally) remedied with sharp objects.

One of the biggest problems we have is lack of time to practice, especially when the práctica schedules don't line up with our own. Another is physical space. But remember, a good practice doesn't always have to entail reviewing every detail that you went over in class.

While at home, take a look at the space around you. For example, what can you practice in the kitchen? Just rock steps? Some Ochos? The linoleum should be adequate for pivoting. You may not have a spacious living room, but if there's a wood floor in there and it's relatively level, what steps can you try? Even if you only have a few minutes before the oven timer goes off?

There will always be obstacles to improving your tango. But with a little creativity, obstacles can be made into advantages. For instance, if you can pull off molinetes in the small kitchen of your one-bedroom apartment without destroying anything or stepping on the dog’s tail, you should be able to do them at a crowded milonga, too.

Figuring out ways around the roadblocks, whether it’s time, space, or even your own pants, is just as good for your tango as showing up to class every week.

ACT LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING

I am not an outgoing person.

At all.

If I have to interact with more than 3 people or animals, I start getting nervous. I'm very private, and it doesn't take much to make me feel awkward. For instance, I'm far more comfortable staying at home reading (or writing) books than going out to a bar.

Growing up, most of my teachers often commented (complained is more like it) that "Joe does not participate enough in class." Despite decent grades, my final GPA was always affected by that silly "class participation" thing. Oh well.

Anyway, let's fast forward several years. I now make a living teaching (talking in front of people) and hosting tango events in the very types of places I spent years avoiding.

I guess life sometimes goes out of its way to mess with you.

But don't get me wrong.

I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE what I do. It's turned out to be a dream job, but I'd be lying if I said that any of it comes naturally. What I do is the polar opposite of what every career matching quiz I took says I ought to be doing.

Yet, here I am.

Greeting people, introducing myself to complete strangers, spending time among large crowds....despite having done it for years I admit it can still be scary.

And I do it every...

single...

week.

For all you tango newcomers out there experiencing the anxiety of going out dancing in public, I know exactly how you feel.

The environment at a milonga is a lot different from the one we're used to in class. The music is louder, people are more dressed-up, and the lighting is more dramatic than the pale fluorescents of the studio where we have lessons.

And right away, we notice there are a lot of good dancers sharing the floor with us.

All of this stimulation causes our brains to freeze up. We feel as though we've forgotten the few steps we learned in class and instantly believe that everyone is judging us. And pretty soon, we're wondering if we'll make it through the current tango song without suffering a panic attack.

Oh, and just a while ago your teacher promised that this was going to be a "fun time," right?

So how do we deal with this?

The technical answer is to just keep things simple. For leaders, that means walking forward, keeping up with traffic, and taking the time to occasionally pause. For followers, that means staying on your own balance and not going anywhere until your partner gives you a clear signal to move.

The above advice might be true, but it's not helpful. And it won't mean squat unless you add a special ingredient. As the title of this blog suggests, you should act like you know what you're doing.

Assume the "role" of a confident dancer: cool/calm expression, simple but fully committed steps, and do what you visualize a confident dancer would do. It feels weird at first, but you'll have a much better chance of success if you try. No one knows what's going on in your head so use your imagination.

As an organizer, that's pretty much what I did. At first, I had to pretty much fake a certain amount of extraversion. But as I got better at "playing" the role of a more outgoing person, it eventually became part of the real me. Deep down, I haven't changed that much. I'm still not a spotlight chaser or a big talker. However, there's a part of myself I can now call upon whenever I'm caught in a situation that requires social skills.

I'm not suggesting that you become a fraud or to be insincere. The purpose is not to con anybody. Instead, you're strengthening the mental aspect of becoming a good tango dancer while making things enjoyable for your partner. And when "faking" confidence helps you achieve the "fun" that your tango teacher keeps talking about, in time it'll turn into real confidence.

THE EMBRACE...OF ANARCHY

In our daily lives (work, school, at the DMV, etc) we're used to following orders. Someone is telling us what procedures to follow, where to print our names, which forms to fill out, where the signed paperwork is supposed to be submitted, etc.

We're treated a bit like numbers to be processed as quickly as possible.

But on the dance floor:

There is no tango middle manager.

There is no tango police.

There is no tango bureau of central planning.

There is no tango parliament or tango oversight committees.

Your tango teachers, the "experts" you rely on to improve your dancing, are unlicensed, uncertified, and unelected (and in some cases, unmedicated).

There is no state-approved tango "curriculum" that one must follow.

There is no test you take or piece of paper you can frame and mount on your wall that officially declares you a "tango dancer."

This is how it's been since people started doing tango way back in the day.

Sounds like anarchy. And maybe it is...

...but it works.

The lack of centralized "authority" in tango is one of the big reasons why it's so fascinating.

Where does the guy place his right hand and where does the lady place her left while dancing close embrace? A dozen teachers may give a dozen different answers. And that's before anyone begins to actually move.

I remember three instructors, all of whom I greatly respect, telling me how to lead molinetes in three very different, and almost contradictory ways. So which teacher was right?

They all were.

When given different or conflicting information on how to lead/follow specific figures, it's not time to panic. Instead, it's up to us as individual dancers to experiment and figure out which methods work best with whomever we happen to be dancing with at the moment.

Every partner is unique, every dance experience is a small adventure (if you think about it), and the "right" way to lead a step might be different each time.

There's no referring to the user manual, flowchart, or official guidebook.

Does that seem scary? If it does, maybe it's because we're too accustomed to being treated (or treating others) like digits on an invoice, customer ID, or file. In that case, we should tango more. Embrace this form of anarchy because for those few precious moments in between cortinas, you and your partner are the ones who get to decide, and not be told, what to do.

DO ONE THING WELL

As we learn more and more tango, we’ll inevitably gravitate towards certain steps (after getting a more solid grasp on our fundamentals). Which steps do you love? Sacadas, molinetes, ganchos, volcadas, the basic cross? If you have a favorite step, or several favorites, I'd argue that it's best to focus on getting really good at those few moves.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a well-rounded dancer. Well-rounded means being familiar with a bunch of figures. But will you excel at any of them? Or just be mediocre at all of them?

If you really like sacadas, for example, be the one (or few) in your community who’s known for being really good at sacadas. Or if you’re great at boleos, be known for being really fun to do boleos with. Whatever step it is that you like, develop it. Practice it until you can do it in your sleep. Having a specialty will make you more memorable.

You only have so many hours in a day - wasting them on improving weaknesses only robs time away from honing your strengths.

A tango community is not a faceless mass. It is made up of unique individuals, so don't be afraid to stand out (as long as you remember to respect the line of dance :)

If we all do in our own ways, the community becomes more exciting as a whole.

IT'S NEVER HER "FAULT"

Leaders, while dancing with your partner at a milonga or class, and something goes wrong, never turn to your partner and start a sentence that begins with: “You were supposed to” or “you should have...”

Also, never turn to your teacher and start with the words: “well, my partner was supposed to” or “my partner should have...”

Even if you’re absolutely certain that you’re right and your partner’s wrong, don’t say those words. Just don’t. If you're new to tango, this is basic etiquette. But sometimes, even experienced folks forget.

At a milonga, if your partner doesn’t know what you’re trying to lead (even if you’re sure you led it correctly), then quit trying to lead it. Drop it and go back to something you can both agree on, like walking.

At a class or workshop, when the teacher notices that you’re having trouble and asks why, figure out what you can be doing to improve yourself. There’s always something about your own leading that can be better, even if (you think) you’re already a good dancer.

As for your partners, trust them to be responsible for their own improvement. Or agree to work together during a práctica. Or take it outside and settle things at high noon.

Pointing out what your partner’s doing wrong all the time just makes you look like an a**hole. Then, your partner’s friends might start thinking you’re an a**hole, too. And pretty soon you may find that everyone suddenly looks away from your cabaceo. No one takes the time to get all dressed up for a milonga hoping to hear unsolicited advice. Remember: being fun to dance with is much better than being right.

THIS ISN'T LIKE WORK OR SCHOOL

In my science class back in Eighth Grade, I once mishandled a vial of ether. As a result, I nearly lost consciousness, much to the amusement of my lab partner. Barely five minutes earlier, the teacher had repeatedly warned us not to hold the opening of the large ether vial right up to our faces. Fortunately, he didn't catch me going wobbly, otherwise I would have gotten into big trouble. It's not that I was intentionally trying to do anything supid - I just got a little careless and made a mistake. From that day on, I think I knew better than anyone else in that class about how - or how not - to handle ether.

Making mistakes while learning tango does not generally yield consequences that are as serious (or funny) as accidentally inhaling too much ether. However, errors are inevitable regardless of how hard you pay attention in class.

Unfortunately, our schools and workplaces teach us that mistakes are always BAD. They are sources of punishment and shame. Of course, this is acceptable for some professionals (surgeons, airline pilots, members of the bomb squad, etc). But even for the majority of us who deal with non life-and-death situations in our jobs, the association between mistakes and negative outcomes has been beaten into our heads for as long as we can remember. Make too many mistakes in school and they'll send a note home, flunk us, or hold us back a grade. Make too many mistakes at the office and they'll reprimand or fire us.

Tango classes aren't like the degree courses you're taking at the university. If you make mistakes, I'm not going to make a note of it in my grade book that doesn't exist. There are no No 2 pencils, bubble sheets, or blue book exams. And for you working professionals, I won't report mishaps on the dance floor to your manager or HR department.

Mistakes in dance class are almost a necessity. Of course, we know you're not making them on purpose and we try to avoid them. But without mistakes, and without learning from them, you won't progress. During prácticas, mistakes are often opportunities to discover new steps you hadn't learned before. So little by little, ditch the school/work indoctrination and embrace errors as they happen. Going out of your way to avoid mistakes is the same as refusing to learn.